I feel guilty. Kalvin is 11 years old and just recently diagnosed with Autism. Actually he has been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, a type of autism that falls under the Autism Spectrum Disorders umbrella. The doctors are not very helpful…”here ya go, we have labeled your child now it’s up to you to know how you deal with it.” I did receive a couple book titles that may help. Seriously?? How can this type of diagnoses not come with some type of support for parents? So here I am scrambling to find help—scouring the internet for sources of information, reaching out on website forums-- hell I even twittered about it, all in the hopes of finding someone with closely guarded secrets they are willing to share with a mom who has no clue. And I have come across a couple sweet parents who would share their stories, but they have toddlers or preschoolers who have Aspergers, not a tween. So they are in far different places with very different problems. Impulsivity of a 3 year old is not equivalent to the impulsivity of an 11 year old. Poor social skills in a 3 year old aren’t going to get him teased and taunted like that of an 11 year old child who is trying to fit in with his buddies at school, but doesn’t know how. An immature 3 year old is not a worry—he’s only 3, but an immature 11 year old knows he’s immature, he feels the difference between himself and others his own age. His self-esteem his almost non-existent and as his mom I am doing all I can to help boost his confidence. But I am having little effect, I am lost. I feel like he may float away from me and his dad, the only anchors I think he has at the moment. How am I going to get him back? How am I going to help him find his self-worth? How am I going to get through this? Ridiculous, I sound like it’s about me, and it is not--- and “get through this” like it is a hurdle that can be overcome and I know it’s not. I need life skills for him and for our family.
His young little soul is also battling depression. And the doctors have asked me—more than once—if I too am depressed. “No” is my standard response. They say that children with depression are often mirroring the behaviors of a parent. So are they trying to lay blame? I did have a bout of post partum depression after Belle was born, but within three months I was off the anti-depressants and back to myself—as back to “myself” as a mom can be with 4 kiddos, one of which is a preemie, one is a hell on wheels toddler, one is a carrying around all types of confusion in his little mind but no one knows what is wrong, and one kiddo on the verge of teen years with all the drama that entails. Am I depressed now? I may be feeling that way now, with all the guilt, the questioning, the signs I missed. That trite saying about hindsight is kicking me in the ass right now. And today, yes today I am feeling depressed. I am feeling like I am failing, like I should have previously and should be now doing more than I am. Here I go again making this about me. Damn it!
